In 21 years of training caregivers, I have never found a more useful teaching format than the simple dos and don'ts list. Not because care is simple — it is anything but — but because in the fog of an exhausting caregiving day, clear guidelines are lifelines. This article is built from thousands of hours of observation, hundreds of family consultations, and the honest, painful mistakes I have seen well-meaning families make over and over again.
The Foundation: Emotional Reality Trumps Factual Reality
Before we get to the list, understand this principle, because it underlies every single item below: the person with dementia cannot hold new facts, but they feel everything. Their emotional experience — whether they feel safe, respected, and loved, or frightened, corrected, and shamed — is their reality. Your job is not to manage their facts. It is to manage their feelings.
"The person with dementia cannot hold new facts — but they feel everything. Manage the feelings, not the facts."
Communication
Do
- Use their name when you speak to them
- Speak slowly, calmly, and at eye level
- Use short, simple sentences — one idea at a time
- Give them 10 seconds to process before repeating
- Validate what they feel, even if the facts are wrong
- Use a warm, friendly tone — even when you're tired
Don't
- Say "Do you remember?" or "I already told you that"
- Correct them when they say something factually wrong
- Argue or try to reason them out of their belief
- Talk about them as if they're not in the room
- Use "elderspeak" (baby talk, sing-song voice)
- Ask open-ended questions they can't process ("What do you want for lunch?")
Daily Care and Activities
Do
- Maintain a consistent daily routine
- Offer two simple choices rather than open questions
- Give step-by-step guidance, one step at a time
- Allow extra time — never rush
- Focus on what they can still do, not what they can't
- Use music, photos, and familiar objects to engage
Don't
- Introduce too much novelty or change
- Take over tasks they can still manage slowly
- Schedule difficult tasks during late afternoon (sundowning window)
- Allow overstimulating environments (loud TV, too many people)
- Force participation in activities — invite, then accept no
- Expect the same abilities day to day — dementia fluctuates
Safety and Environment
Do
- Remove trip hazards and lock medication cabinets
- Install door alarms or GPS trackers for wanderers (see our Medical Alert Systems guide for GPS tracker recommendations)
- Use contrasting colors to help with depth perception
- Add nightlights for nighttime navigation
- Place labels on drawers and cabinets
- Keep routinely used items in the same place
Don't
- Leave toxic substances (cleaning products) accessible
- Assume they won't wander just because they haven't yet
- Put mirrors where they cause confusion or distress
- Use physical restraint for behavior management
- Leave them unsupervised around stoves or water
- Underestimate their ability to unlock doors or windows
Your Own Conduct
Do
- Take breaks — respite is not abandonment
- Join a caregiver support group
- Acknowledge your own grief and frustration
- Ask for help from family, friends, professionals
- Separate the disease from the person
- Celebrate small moments of connection
Don't
- Attempt to "correct" repetitive questions with logic
- Take behavioral symptoms personally
- Promise things you cannot guarantee (e.g., "you'll never go to a facility")
- Work to the point of burnout without getting help
- Isolate yourself from your support network
- Expect gratitude — the disease makes this impossible at times
A Note on Why Don'ts Happen
These "don'ts" are not character flaws. Every caregiver I have worked with has, at one point or another, argued with their loved one, snapped out of exhaustion, or corrected a factual error in frustration. Including me. The goal is not perfection — it is awareness. When you know why something doesn't work, you recover faster. You recalibrate. And that recovery, that willingness to begin again, is what makes you a great caregiver.
These guidelines are not a scorecard. They are tools. Use the ones that work, modify the ones that don't, and forgive yourself when dementia wins the day. It will, sometimes. What matters is that you show up the next day with the same dedication and the same love.